Insight Page 11

  His eyes wander down my body. “You might want to finish getting dressed.”

  I look down. It’s not that I’m not dressed, it’s that I’m usually wearing a lot more. A smile breaks out on my face as I walk into my room, knowing he was just checking me out. I grab a sweater and pull it over my head.

  “Ready?” He grins as I step back into the living room.

  “Guess so.” I follow him out the door and barely remember my pack.

  “You should leave your hair down more often. It’s really amazing.”

  I’m silent. I have no idea how to respond to a compliment like that.

  “Oh. This is for you.” He holds out a breakfast bar. From my mom no doubt.

  “Thanks.” I don’t love the idea of eating this crumbly thing in front of Landon, but I’m suddenly starving.

  “I have a few more people to pick up on the way.” He opens the car door and waits for me to climb inside.

  What?

  “Is there room in your car for that?” I don’t want to ride with anyone else. It definitely won’t help my need to be around as few people as possible.

  “As long as you’re the one next to me in the passenger’s seat, there’s room.” His eyes don’t waver from mine. He’s trying to tell me something with that comment.

  I look down. It feels forward. He’s trying to tell me how he feels in subtle ways. He doesn’t realize that I already know. Even if it’s not what he feels now, it’s what he’ll feel soon. I sit down in the passenger’s seat and sigh as I realize the day is dark and grey. Our kiss won’t happen today. It happens in the sun. Or maybe something’s changed, and it won’t happen at all. I reach over and touch Landon’s arm as he sits in the driver’s seat.

  The picture pulls a smile from my lips. His arms holding me. Our lips together. He likes me. The sun’s shining on my face. The boathouse...

  “What’s with you?” He leans forward in his seat to make sure I know he’s looking at me.

  I sputter out the weather. “It’s grey today.” Our kiss still happens in the sun. The important thing being that it still happens. Because I finally want it more than I’m afraid.

  He laughs. “It’s grey most days.”

  “Who are we picking up?” I unwrap my breakfast bar and take a bite, changing the subject and distracting myself.

  “Steven.” He pulls out of his driveway and starts up the road.

  I groan. I don’t mean to, but I feel guilty. He’s so nice, and we get along, and I told him I didn’t like Landon. That I wasn’t one of the throngs who like Landon, and now I am. Also, The only visions I’ve seen from Steven have been traumatic.

  “I thought you liked him,” he teases.

  “No, but he sort of asked me out and…” And the whole thing is awkward. It’s one thing to sit and talk with him at a restaurant with my mom and Ethan. It’s different when I’m in the passenger’s seat of Landon’s car, and Landon’s looking at me as often as he can.

  “Don’t worry. I have a plan.”

  “Oh. Great.” A plan? A plan for what?

  We pull into the driveway of another impressive house. This one isn’t as big as Landon’s place but more traditionally styled for the area, all wood shingles and white trim.

  “Where are we?”

  “Jessica’s house.”

  My chest sinks. Is he trying to torture me? Why are we picking up Jessica? Am I wrong about everything I think he feels for me?

  “Steven has liked her for years. I’m just helping them along.” He winks.

  “Oh.” I’m way more relieved than I should be.

  Landon honks his horn.

  “You could go get her.” Honking is so rude.

  “So could you.” He widens his eyes, practically daring me.

  Yeah, no way. I don’t know Jessica, but I know her well enough to know that she and Brigitte are friends, which I’d guess makes her automatically hate me.

  “That’s what I thought.” He chuckles. This is the Landon I see at school. Everything’s funny, like everyone runs around for his amusement and nothing bad could touch him. This is the pre-Lacey Landon. Maybe I’ll never have to tell him. The relief is so immense that I close my eyes and relax without the whole weight of her and what I could or should have done.

  I envy this part of Landon. This carefree part. I don’t know how to be that way.

  “Hey!” Jessica waves from her porch. I see her smile freeze as she catches sight of me in the passenger’s seat.

  “Did you tell her you were playing bus driver?” The sinking in my chest is going lower. I should just walk.

  “I did, just not to who.” He shrugs and stands up and out of the car. I can only see him from his chest down. Suddenly his face reappears. “You are not to take any crap from either of them, and you are not to get out of that seat.” He tries to look serious, but it doesn’t work with Landon, not unless he actually is serious. The corners of his mouth twitch as he talks.

  I want to disappear, despite the way Landon’s looking at me. Why is this happening today?

  “I have to pick up my cousin Steven as well,” he tells her. “I’m sure you can share a backseat with a boy.” If I could see Landon’s face right now I’d guess he was winking, but I might be off.

  Jessica wiggles her way into the backseat. She manages to glare at me as she gets situated.

  “Morning.” I smile brightly. I wonder if she catches my sarcasm. I should probably try to be genuinely nice, but I’m not completely sure how. I’ve spent so much time building walls to protect myself that I don’t know how to be friendly, especially with someone who does not want to be friendly with me.

  It takes us three long, silent minutes to get to the apartment where Steven is staying. I feel sick to my stomach when he walks out. What will I tell him? Do I need to say something? Do I not? Why is picking up a few kids and getting a ride to school making me feel like such a mess?

  “Ree-lax…” Landon reaches his hand over and shakes my leg.

  Warm sun. Hands on me. Lips on me.

  “Not helpful.” I glare.

  “Oh. Right.” His face falls a bit as he jerks his hand off my leg.

  I can only imagine how Jessica feels in the backseat.

  “Steven!” He stands up out of the car to let him in. “You don’t mind sharing a backseat, right?”

  “Whatever, Landon.” Steven steps around him and stops when his head sticks in. His eyes are on Jessica and nowhere else.

  I don’t have to touch Steven to know it doesn’t matter that I’m in the car. Jessica’s in the car.

  “Uh, good morning.” He steps into the tiny backseat and sits. At least I don’t have to touch him again. The thought of looking for details in something that may or may not happen to me doesn’t sound all that appealing.

  “Morning.” Jessica lets out a “humpf,” behind me.

  Landon sits and closes his door. Same grin. Same relaxed pre-Lacey guy.

  “What are you thinking?” I mouth to him as he sits himself down in the driver’s seat.

  He holds his hand out, palm up, as an invitation to touch him.

  I shake my head. I’ll ask him later. We both know it doesn’t work that way anyway.

  “I have baseball practice after school.” Landon checks the rearview mirror. “Steven, could you give these two girls a ride home?”

  “I don’t know how to drive a stick,” Steven says.

  “What?” Landon laughs.

  I want to kick him for Steven’s sake.

  “Me, neither,” Jessica says from the backseat.

  “I do.” I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth. “I mean, my dad taught me a long time ago, and his car is a stick, so when I visit…”

  “Oh, perfect. You can drive my car home then.” Landon puts the full force of his perfect smile on me.

  “Uh…” I shake my head. “No way. I’m not driving your car. I mean, I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I’ll just get a ride from my mom.”
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  “I trust you with it, you know.” He looks at me for a moment longer than he should, especially while driving, especially with company.

  I can’t answer. It’s his car. He’s a boy. Boys don’t trust their cars with anyone.

  “You know I can’t drive a stick, Landon. We’ve had this conversation before.” Steven’s voice is full of irritation.

  “Well, maybe I’ll teach you sometime. And then you can teach Jessica.” He pulls into a parking space at the school.

  I leap out of the car. Landon slides out in his relaxed, strong movements, and I move away from the passenger’s door. I don’t need a confrontation with Jessica.

  If I were her? I’d be pissed. She got picked up by one boy, possibly set up with another boy and the guy she thought was picking her up, brought his own girl. Wait, I just thought of myself as Landon’s girl. Am I his girl? Is that where we are? The whole thing is hard to believe.

  “Next time you want to run around picking up half the neighborhood, maybe you should let us know so we could find another ride.” Steven looks from Landon and then back to me.

  “Thank you.” Jessica throws a glare at Landon. Fortunately, she skips me.

  I open my mouth to apologize, but Landon catches my eye and shakes his head.

  “Your cousin can be a real jerk.” Jessica says as she and Steven meet near the front of Landon’s car.

  He turns toward her, and his eyes are wide at her remark or maybe for the simple fact that she talked to him. “Yeah, he can be.”

  Jessica says something else making Steven laugh, then smiles.

  “See?” Landon bites his bottom lip. “Steven has liked her since like, ninth grade. They just needed someone to mutually hate.” He bows slightly.

  “Then I guess that was very good of you.” Great of him.

  “You guess.” He walks around the front of his car to stand next to me.

  “Warn me next time, okay?” My chest still feels tight from the tension resting in that car.

  “Sorry.” He’s not sorry. He looks smug as he watches them walk to the school together.

  “Don’t apologize when you’re not sorry.” I try to sound angry, but I’m not, not really. Especially now that I know what his motivations were. I wonder how many more unexpected layers I’ll find as I get to know him. And this crazy thing like hope grabs a hold of me, telling me I might have a chance at this. With Landon.

  “How about I know I should be sorry, but it was fun to watch your face as I picked them up. But look at you! You survived. They’re just people, Micah. You need to be okay with being around people. No one touched you. I mean, I know it has to suck sometimes, but it’s really just glimpses into their lives. It’s a big deal, but it’s also not a big deal.” He reaches out to touch my shoulder and stops just before we connect.

  “It’s okay.” I close my eyes and wait for it.

  The sun, his hands, our kiss.

  The bell rings.

  “Oh, shit!” Landon rests his hands on his head. “Dad’s going to kill me. We just had this whole big discussion about school and possibilities and responsibility…”

  I set my pack on the ground, thrilled to be able to contribute. I dig through my outer backpack pocket until I come up with the late passes I got on my first day as part of the welcome packet. I hand one to him.

  “You’ve got to me kidding me.” He looks at the slip in his hand like I just handed him a thousand bucks. “Ha!” He throws his arms around me and picks me off the ground sending the vision and feeling of our kiss through me.

  I bury my face in his shoulder and let myself soak up the warmth of him, the feeling of his arms. I love the way he smells—like boy but good, clean, and juicy fruit gum. I want to stand here with his arms around me all day. I’m in so much trouble. I’m really, actually, completely falling for him.

  He sets me down. “Sorry.” He slides his pack up.

  I grab mine from the ground. His apology almost feels like a rejection.

  “Actually, I’m totally not sorry.” He slides his hand over my shoulders. Our faces come close again, the picture and emotion just makes me enjoy him even more.

  It would take so little for me to press our lips together, just a tiny shove with my feet. We’re stuck in the moment before Landon breaks it.

  “We should walk in the backdoor.” He clears his throat. “So, we…uh, don’t have to pass the main office.

  “I’ll follow.” It comes out in a whisper. We’re already touching, the picture’s gone, so I simply keep next to him, our sides touching, his arm over me. My morning went from one of my worst to one of my best in about two minutes.

  ***

  I walk the empty halls to my locker, hoping to get my stuff packed up so I can see Landon quick before catching the bus. No way I’m driving his car.

  I pull the books I need and shove them into my pack.

  “You know he has a short attention span, right?” Brigitte’s voice is unmistakable.

  I zip up my pack and toss it over my shoulder. Now what?

  “I know you heard me, Micah.”

  I slam my locker to see her in her cheerleading shorts, arms crossed in front of her, and her dark hair pulled into a neat ponytail.

  “I had no idea you were so concerned about my welfare.” I step around her to head toward the gym. Avoidance has worked for me so far.

  “There’s just no way he’s actually interested. You must be an easy lay.”

  I clench my hands in fists, and keep walking.

  “I’m talking to you.” Brigitte grabs my arm.

  Her head whips around, it looks as if half the school is on the creek near the beach. Bitterness. Satisfaction. And then jealousy as Landon and Steven start running.

  Toward who I already know is me. Even though she’s even further away and can’t see me well.

  “Don’t touch me!” I don’t mean to yell, but it comes out just the same. This stupid image seems to be what everyone’s thinking about.

  The hall has filled with students. Brilliant. I’ll push my way through any amount of people to put distance between me and BrigitTE.

  Passion. Anger. Parents. Boys. Girls. Movies. Fear. Exhilaration.

  I want to scream. I’m out of breath by the time I make it outside.

  “There you are.” Landon stands off the bench and tosses me his keys.

  I grab them without thinking. When someone throws something toward you, you catch it, but I’m still breathing hard and wanting to disappear.

  “I won’t take no for an answer. Josh and I have man-business after school, so he’ll give me a ride. You’re actually doing me a service.” Landon grins.

  “No.” I shake my head and finally take a deep breath. “No, Landon.”

  He laughs and jogs toward the school. “I’ll come by and get my keys later!”

  And he’s gone.

  I stand on the sidewalk staring at Landon’s keys. Not just to his car, but his key card for the gate. His house. Everything.

  The easiest option now seems for me to just drive his car back. I should protest more, but seriously. Mom drives a mini-van. And I’m ready for this day to be over. Driving Landon’s car has to be better than running into Brigitte.

  I stare at the pavement, not wanting to attract any attention in the parking lot, but there are girls’ legs next to Landon’s car. I let my eyes slide up to her face. I really don’t want another confrontation today.

  “Oh, hey.” Lisa’s face goes a bit flat when I stop.

  What now?

  “Is Landon giving you a ride today?” she asks.

  I feel this weird buzz of nervous energy, just hoping that I won’t be accosted by her, too. “He has baseball.”

  “Oh, crap!” She slumps. “I don’t know how I forgot.”

  “If you need a ride...” I hold up the keys. Did I just offer her a ride?

  “He gave you his keys? To drive his car?” Her eyes widen.

  “We live, you know… I mean, my mom wor
ks there, and we…”

  She laughs. “I know. Your mom is dating Ethan, right? Small town, Micah. Everyone knows everything.”

  Right.

  “My coat’s in the trunk. That’s all.”

  “Oh.” I press the button for the trunk.

  “Cool he’s letting you drive his car. Lacey’s the only one he’s ever let drive.”

  “Oh.” Am I supposed to say something here? Now it feels like an even bigger deal than it did this morning, and it felt big then.

  “Landon’s a nice guy,” she says.

  “So Brigitte reminded me.” Only not.

  Lisa laughs. “Brigitte’s full of shit. The sooner you learn that, the easier your life will be – especially if you’re…” A small smile pulls on the corners of her mouth. “…driving Landon’s car.”

  She’s being nice. So obvious I guess. I keep eye contact. Her eyes are a soft brown, her short hair is perfectly straightened and pulled up in just the right way, and she’s definitely not the kind of person I thought I’d be talking with—if I talked with people.

  My smile starts to spread, as she grabs her coat from the trunk.

  “Okay, thanks, about Brigitte, I mean.”

  “No problem. See ya around, Micah.” She waves as she jogs back to the school.

  Okay. Talked with Lisa. Survived. No touching. No yelling. All good things. Maybe Landon’s right, and it doesn’t always have to be such a big deal.

  I slide down in the soft leather seats of Landon’s car afraid to touch anything, but now if I don’t drive his car home, it would be weird. And he and Josh have “man-stuff” so really, I’m doing him a favor. Even though I know I’m mostly trying to convince myself that I’m doing him a favor.

  The engine roars to life, and I’m seriously giggling in the driver’s seat.

  This is awesome. Only now I’m terrified and know that I’ll be driving home like a Grandma.

  But still. Landon Michaels trusts me with his car.

  SIXTEEN

  I lie in the sand reflecting on my day, and close my eyes. It feels good after the confusion of my ride to school and Landon and Steven and Jessica. There’s also the confusion of how Landon stuck closer to me today but still seemed…hesitant. I think that’s the right word. And even though I was terrified to drive his car, it was really awesome.