Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) Read online

  “I think so. I mean, we talked not all that long ago about how things were changing and going to change. There’s a lot going on in everyone’s lives right now.”

  “You’re at that age where people’s lives change. They get married, they have kids, they move. There’s a lot going on. That’s a good thing for you. You have a lot to look forward to.” He held my eyes with his for a moment.

  “Yeah, but I wish nothing would change until I feel like I have some control over my body.”

  “I can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I do want you to know that I hear similar things from almost all of my patients.”

  “So I’m not crazy?” I teased.

  “Not yet, no.” He smiled. “We’ll see you Monday.”

  “Yeah.” I sighed. Another Monday, another treatment. Andy was the only thing to look forward to.

  “Don’t worry, Leigh. We’ll get you through this.” Was he convincing me or himself?

  I just nodded.

  “Come here. Give your doc a hug before you leave. One of these days I’ll need to drag my wife into work so she can meet you.”

  “I’d like that.” I smiled as I pulled away from him. “Thanks, Dr. Watts.”

  “See you soon.”

  Way, way, too soon.

  - - -

  I had my short-sleeved shirt rolled up and two large Ziploc bags of ice on my arm when Brian came in the door. His eyes widened as he dropped his bags and came to my side.

  “It’s really not as bad as it looks.” I smiled a little.

  He just shook his head at me. His jaw clenched tight. “What happened?” His face was hard to read.

  “It’s not a big deal. I got dizzy, lost my balance and caught my arm on the doorframe.” I did my best relaxed voice to try and appease him.

  “How could you not call me?” He voice was low, tense and angry.

  “You guys were already on your way home, what would a call have done?” At the time it had seemed like all a phone call would do was make him stressed on the last parts of his trip, which was completely unnecessary.

  “I would like to have known. Maybe I’d have driven a little faster. I don’t know Leigh, but now I’m afraid to trust you! Can’t you understand that? That you’re the most precious thing in my world and you didn’t call me? I don’t get it!” He ran a hand over his head.

  His outburst felt completely unexpected. I knew he’d be upset, but it seemed… dramatic. “I was trying to preserve the last day of your trip. I needed you to have some time where you weren’t worried about me,” I tried to explain.

  “Did you think that sending me over a hundred miles away would lessen my worry? Because it didn’t. How could me, being separated from you, relieve my worry? It doesn’t make any sense!” He’d done this trip simply to appease me, not for the break that I desperately wanted him to have.

  “I just wanted you to have a break from this.”

  “Well, neither of us gets a break from it Leigh, and that’s okay because we’re together.” He stopped and exhaled. “Did he send you home with a list or something? Things to do? To not do?”

  “It’s on the counter,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry. I really was trying to do something nice for you.”

  “I know.” He sighed and scooted slightly closer. He touched his forehead to mine. “But you have to know that it makes me crazy to not be around you. I hate leaving you for the few hours I go to work or even when I have to leave to run errands.”

  “Okay.” I leaned back. “I did have fun with Megan.”

  “Good.”

  “And I’m looking forward to hearing all about your trip.” I tried to smile.

  “Let me see this.” He took a breath in and touched my hand. I winced and his jaw flexed. “Never mind.”

  I carefully pulled off my packs of ice. It was time for a break from them, anyway. Brian struggled to maintain composure. It did look awful, much worse than it felt. I was glad Nathan had followed Jaron home for the evening.

  “Leigh…” he swallowed once. “Don’t ever send me away from you again, understand?”

  I nodded. We looked at each other in silence for a moment.

  “Can you tell me about your trip now?” I asked quietly.

  He sat back as if trying to remember what he’d done.

  “Well, I talked with your dad some more on custody stuff. I have an appointment with someone in Salt Lake tomorrow.” He was groping for something to share. I’d have to ask him later on, when he wasn’t so distracted with me.

  “I’m so glad you get along.” I smiled wider at him then.

  “It’s more than that, Leigh. I don’t know if you can fully appreciate what wonderful parents you have. I definitely married up.”

  “Well, that’s happy then because I feel the same way.”

  And he just shook his head at me like he so often did.

  “Let me put those ice packs in the freezer. It looks like we might be needing them for a few days.”

  I glanced down at my purple arm. We’d definitely need them for a few days. And it hit me again, we were really, actually, doing this together.

  - - -

  “This might take longer than we hoped,” Brian said as he came in the front door. He held our file of paperwork for Nathan. “I need you to sign a power of attorney so I can sign and appear for you if we need to. I explained your situation to the people handling Nathan’s case, and they said it was the best way to do it.”

  “But I want to be there. To be part of it.” Was he trying to keep me from this?

  “I know.” He sat on the floor next to me. “But the reality of it Leigh, is that you only feel good about half the time and I get the impression that pretty soon we’ll be down to a bit less than half the time.” He sat down next to me, watching me. “You did the hardest thing. You got the papers signed. Let me finish this.”

  “How long are they thinking?” I asked. I felt like I was running out of time.

  “Well, we’re trying to accomplish a lot here. His mother had been fighting me every step of the way and now has suddenly signed her son over to me. They’re suspicious.”

  “But she’s in jail!” I protested. “He’d probably be taken from her anyway, right? Over time?”

  “Probably, and they’re taking that into consideration. There’s a rush on it right now. Your dad has been invaluable. Don’t worry, Leigh. We’ll get it done.”

  “Okay.” I wanted to trust him in this so bad, but it really wasn’t up to him. It had seemed so simple when I walked out of the prison with signed papers. I was trying to be patient, but I felt lousy. The whole idea of patience, as sick as I was, felt absurd.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Eight of Twelve

  When I checked in, I realized we were on number eight. Number eight! Past the halfway point. I was two thirds done. I felt a sense of accomplish-ment. It was the first time I was glad that Brian marked the time on his dog tags.

  “Can I room with Andy today?” I asked as we checked in.

  “Not today, Leigh,” the nurse said. “If you want to see her before we hook you up, you’re welcome to.”

  “That’d be great.”

  I had to get into scrubs again and wear a mask, even though I felt fine. She looked even smaller than normal.

  “Leigh.” She smiled. “Is it that time already?”

  “Yes it is.” I took in her surroundings. The room was dark, quiet. Andy must not be feeling well.

  “Well, that went faster than I thought.”

  “Have you been here the whole time?” I had a dark, sinking feeling in my stomach.

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, overreacting as usual you know.”

  “It happens.” I looked around the room again not knowing what to make of her situation.

  “They’re finally letting me go home today. That’ll be nice.” She smiled.

  “Good,” I said. “Give me a call, you know, when you get bored.”

  “I�
�ll do that.” She winked at me, never lifting her head from her pillow. “Have fun playing cards with that husband of yours.”

  “I will.” I moved toward the door. “I gotta run or I’ll be here all night, we both know that’s no fun.” I tried to tease with her.

  “Tell me about it.” She smiled back. She sounded weak. I hope she pulled out of it soon.

  “See ya.” I waved as I walked out.

  “Yep.” She gave me a small wave before the door shut behind me.

  Brian waited outside. It was so nice of him to assume that I’d want some privacy with her.

  “How is she?” he asked.

  “She gets to go home for a while.”

  He nodded, but there was something else going on.

  “What?”

  “It’s nothing.” He walked with me down the hall to the room I’d be in today.

  “It’s something.”

  “I’m just worried that as much fun as your friendship has been, it might be hard on you.”

  “How could a friendship be hard on me, Brian?”

  He was being ridiculous. He started to say something else and changed his mind.

  Brian and I played cards, but I didn’t last long. I was too tired to concentrate. It was too bad—I was starting to be real competition.

  - - -

  Even though it wore me out, my very short walks with Brian were saving me from insanity. I could only get out like this on the last few days before treatment times, but it gave me something to look forward to. A reason to eat, even when I knew I might throw it all up. We were out of the house, and together, the fresh air felt good. When we came back inside, I stretched on the floor while he did his routine of push-ups and sit-ups.

  I pulled myself onto the couch exhausted, and the phone rang.

  “Hello?” I answered.

  “Leigh?” I heard Dr. Watts voice on the phone.

  “Hey Doc, you make me nervous when you call my house. What’s up?”

  Brian stopped and watched me intently.

  “Andy passed away last night. I’m sorry, Leigh.”

  I couldn’t breathe. How was I going to get through this without Andy?

  “She wasn’t in favor of doing this last round of treatment. She’s been miserable for weeks. She died in her sleep.”

  “Okay,” I whispered. The lump in my throat spread, slowly numbing me and filling me with pain allat the same time.

  “Leigh, as your doctor I’m begging you to see a counselor and you will pick up that scrip I sent in for you. Understood?”

  I nodded and hung up the phone.

  “Leigh?” Brian saw the shock on my face and jumped to my side.

  “Andy’s gone.” I sobbed. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him close with all the strength I had.

  Brian sat with me like that for hours, until I completely cried myself out. I couldn’t sleep and he finally had to beg me to take my sleeping pills. It felt like defeat. I didn’t know why; it was just a dumb pill.

  I passed several days without being aware of much. I ate little bits and slept. Nathan and I watched movies together. Andy had left a hollowed out place that nothing could fill. I dreaded my next turn at the hospital more than anything I’d ever done. I wanted to pack a suitcase, get in a car and drive away, leaving all this mess behind.

  I prayed on my own for the first time in too long. Brian had been saying our prayers for us. I remembered back to how peaceful I’d been through this process the last time. This time felt like a rocky beach with bare feet.

  I wanted to know why Andy had been given to me as this great gift that had helped me through so much, helped me to find humor in my situation when it was so often hard. Why had I known her if she was just going to be taken from me? I had no answers. I got no answers. The silence stunned me, and I was upset. More than upset. Angry.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Ninth of Twelve

  Tired

  With Andy at the hospital, I’d started not to mind Mondays so much. I wondered if there would ever be a time when a Monday would pass and I wouldn’t think about my Monday chemo schedule and my friend Andy.

  We checked in and I was back in my small, single room. There would be no one to joke with or talk with. It felt empty. I was nauseous before they hooked me up. I had no words. I had no constructive thoughts. I lay down and let everyone do their job.

  “Can I get us something?” Brian asked. “You’re being unusually cooperative and quiet.” He tried to tease.

  “I’m not going to be much fun today.”

  “You don’t have to be.” He smiled.

  I didn’t have one to return. “I know you have work. If you want to be here you can be but don’t feel like you need to stay.”

  “Hey, don’t do that to me.” He stepped closer to my bed. “I’m here because there’s nowhere else in the world I’d rather be.”

  I shook my head.

  “With you, Leigh. That’s what I care about.”

  “I’m tired.” I felt impossible expectations from him. Like I should stand up and be able to walk away from here completely healed. When I couldn’t get an answer to a simple prayer, how would that be possible?

  “I’ll be here.” He voice was quiet, and his smile had disappeared.

  I closed my eyes and wished to sleep through the day. I did not get my wish.

  My body didn’t want any more of this mess. Even the Zofran didn’t keep me from throwing up a few times that afternoon. I dreaded going home, but I didn’t want to stay there either. Tory insisted on wheeling me out to my car.

  “Let me help you climb in.” Brian came to help me out of my chair. I got up to do it myself. I usually walked out on Brian’s arm. This was all ridiculous. I misjudged how strong my legs were and half fell into the car, scraping my shin along the running boards.

  “Ow.” I grabbed my leg. Brian lifted me into the car. I watched his jaw flex, but he didn’t say anything. Tory pulled up my pant leg to make sure I didn’t break the skin.

  “That’s going to leave a nasty bruise, Leigh. You know what to watch for.” She knew better than to suggest I go back inside. She drove the chair away, and Brian climbed into the driver’s seat.

  He grabbed the steering wheel with both hands. “You’re being ridiculous! Just let me give you some freaking help, Leigh! It’s not the end of the world that you can’t climb into the car after a crappy day!” He let go of the steering wheel to bang it once with both hands.

  “Sorry.” I mumbled under my breath, but I didn’t mean it.

  He knew that. We drove home in silence. I pressed my face against the cool glass like I’d done many times before to keep from throwing up in the car.

  He took a deep breath then and started to regroup. “Leigh, I know it sucks. I know you don’t want to need help to walk across a room or to get into a car, but you do. A scrape right now can be a big deal.” He reached over and took my hand.

  I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want his words to sink in. I pulled my hand away. “It’s the only thing I can do for you right now. Let me help you, Leigh. Let me feel like there’s something I can do.”

  I stared out the window.

  We went home and I did whatever I was asked to do. I threw up. Brian cleaned up the mess. I took whatever medicine he handed to me and ate, or tried to eat, everything he brought to my room. Nathan spent half his nights at Jaron’s house.

  I wasn’t sleeping well and kept him awake. It was one less thing for me to worry about. The days and nights blended together. Brian came and went, my mother came and went. Jaron stopped in a few times.

  I shut down. I felt like I was swimming in a hole that had been started by the cancer and made bigger by me. I didn’t know which way to go, I didn’t know how to get out and I didn’t care that I didn’t know any of these things.

  - - -

  “Leigh, please let me carry you.” Brian was starting to look rough. I kept him awake more nights than not. I was weak and exhausted. My app
etite was gone and if someone didn’t feed me, I forgot to eat.

  “I can walk, Brian. Just give me an arm.” Don’t make me feel more pathetic and worthless.

  He used two hands to help me stand up from the couch. I hated being this dependent on people around me. He did as I asked and I took one small step after another until we were on the porch. I had to concentrate hard.