Insight Page 18
“That figures.” His cheeks redden. “So, I guess we’re sort of past the embarrassing baby pictures phase then?”
“Well, I just saw one, and you weren’t naked in the bathtub, so I don’t think it counts,” I tease.
“Oh, great.” He cocks an eyebrow.
“This is going to sound weird,” I warn.
“Okay.” He leads me to his couch and we sit. He’s so good about not breaking contact once we touch.
I feel Landon’s eyes on me as I look around. The room is huge, like a whole house. He has a couch, a TV, a mini-fridge. It feels like an oversized college dorm. Everything is beige and blue and does not look like Landon. I’d guess his mom hired a decorator. One whole wall of his room is windows. We’re on the third floor, and the view of the ocean is amazing.
“You wanted to tell me something weird?” he asks.
“Right.” I take a breath. “Your dad said something about talents, and I felt like he...”
“Knows more than he let on?” Landon’s voice is odd and monotone.
A wave of something like fear slides through me. “Yeah.”
“Me, too.” Landon nods. “I don’t know what to make of it. He’s asked a ton about you. And he’s never really asked about my girlfriends before. It could just be because he knows I’ve never felt this way. Maybe that’s it.” But even as he says the words he doesn’t sound very convincing.
“Maybe.” Hopefully. But as soon as I let hopefully into my head, I know that’s not it. There’s something else.
“I also overheard him on the phone the other day talking to one of his business partners for The Middle Men business group that’s he’s in.” Landon’s face is pulled into this mask of concentration. “I swear I heard your name, and then I wasn’t so sure. He said something else about waiting for me to realize something, but it was through a door, and maybe I was just hearing things that weren’t there.”
I can’t imagine why Landon’s dad would be talking about me, or what on earth he’s waiting for Landon for, but the explanation is hopefully something very simple. It still doesn’t change my uneasiness in being around them.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
I redden from the honesty in his voice, or maybe just from being in a moment with him this intense, but love the way he’s looking at me too much to move my eyes from him.
“I’m glad we’re okay.” His hand squeezes mine.
And now that I have someone to talk to again, and now that I want to be honest, it feels like maybe I can tell him. Maybe he can help. Mostly now that I’ve started telling people things, I’m starting to rely on it. “There’s some weird stuff going on, and I think I might be going crazy.”
“What’s going on?” He settles into the couch, waiting, eyes on me.
“I think. I mean, I’ve felt like, a few times, that I’ve seen something moving in the woods.” Did I just say something that will make him know I’m as messed up as I think I am?
I watch Landon do a dramatic version of the shiver that probably just passed through his body. “Well you’re not walking home alone.”
I’m sort of amazed he didn’t just laugh.
“When we first moved here, I sort of ran into your dad on my way down to the water, and he asked about seeing things, and I swear when he looks at me, that he’s looking around me.” I’m not even making sense to myself. How can I possibly expect Landon to understand?
“So, I’ll watch my dad a little more closely, okay?” He swallows once, hard, and that’s the only indication that our conversation is making him nervous.
My head shakes. “It’s not. I mean. I’m still half-convinced that it’s my imagination, you know?”
“You should know better, Micah. With you comes a whole lot of weird crap that shouldn’t be real.” He smirks, but his body is tense, showing me he’s still on edge.
“A whole lot of weird crap?” I try to tease, immediately glad I said something.
“Do you know anyone else who does what you do?” His hands tighten as he leans toward me with wide, half-teasing eyes.
“My dad,” I retort.
“Any other crazy coming from your little house?” The tease in his voice makes it easier to talk.
Should I tell him about Mom? The oddness there? No amount of teasing can make me feel okay about that black and white picture—especially now that it’s laced with fear. “I’ve gotten this weird vision from my mom. A few times now.” For some reason telling someone else makes it more real. Makes my insides quake with the unknown. “All I see is bright white, a brief feeling of shock or fear, and then black. But the thing is, both times I touched her again right away and both times it was already something different.”
“Is that normal?” He scoots lower in the couch, and I’m again sort of amazed that we’re just sitting here talking about this craziness, and he’s okay with it.
“The vision or the seeing something else?” I try to keep my tone light, but it’s so…strange.
“I guess both.”
“The problem is that once I touch someone, I don’t usually try to touch them again. Only you and Mom. When I was having a bad day as a kid, I’d touch her over and over, just to feel how she feels for me. With you, it was to see if something had changed. So, I don’t know what to do with a vision that changes like that. And there’s nothing in the one I see to suggest any kind of place or anything. Just white, fear, and then black.” Nerves settle into the pit of my stomach as I wait for his response.
He stares at his lap for a moment. “I’m sorry I can’t help, and I’m almost afraid to ask.” He stops so long that I don’t think he will. “But what did you see from Lacey?”
“I told you already.” I suddenly feel the need to wipe my palms and take a deep breath in.
“The moment was intense.” He looks away from me. Intense is one way of saying we were yelling at each other. “Please?”
My chest sinks and dread seeps through me. “Are you sure you want to know?”
“Nothing could be worse than holding her, Micah.”
I lean sideways resting my head against the back of his couch. The guilt hits me again. “I saw the party, the people. Everything was blurry, and then it slowly went black. Just like she fell asleep or something. That’s it.”
My words hang in the air, and he’s so still, so silent that I’m not sure how to take it. I’m suddenly very glad I didn’t tell him how I felt her fear. It’s really the emotion that makes it all too real.
“Are you scared? For your mom?” His voice is barely above a whisper, as his finger strokes my cheek.
“I guess I am, but it all feels so out of my control that I don’t want to be.” But it sort of hits me hard, and now it’s me who’s fighting off chills. The whole conversation feels like it can’t be happening because even though I’ve been doing this my whole life, so much of it doesn’t seem like it could be real—all the shadows and strange visions from my mom.
“You know you can call me, right? If you want to talk or need help?”
I nod once, and his lips are on mine, soft and simple.
And that’s the only think I want to think about right now. The fact that Landon wants to know this, wants to do this with me.
I wish there was something he could actually do.
***
His arm is tight around me as we walk the driveway back to my house. I’ve gotten good at staring at my feet. It’s like I’ve decided that if I can’t see anything, nothing’s there. But when Landon talks, it’s like I have to look at him. I sorta love that, too.
“So, I want to talk about you not knowing what to do in school, and not liking people.” He winks.
I narrow my eyes, even though I know he’s teasing.
“Well, I’ve thought of an escape.” Landon’s face is all mischievous smile.
“What are you talking about?”
“I want you to come sailing with me.”
My jaw drops. Landon wants me with him?
I’m staring at him in shock. “But, school—”
“And where did you plan to go?” He’s teasing me again. He knows how undecided I am.
“That’s not the point.” Is it?
“Look, Micah, if you want to do college first, I get it and I’ll do it with you. We could sail later on, or during school breaks or something or after we graduate. I thought about buying a boat in Maine or Massachusetts or New York. You could just sail down the east coast with me this summer and then go to school in the fall. Or, if you’re hooked, like I think you will be.” His grin widens. “We could just keep heading south. You know I have to get to the Bahamas. Especially with the project…”
“With what?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing. Thinking about you in a bikini.” He smirks. “Will you come?”
I still have no words, and his dismissal of my question is okay because part of me thinks he wants to do more research on the voodoo doll story, and it’s too much for me to deal with right now. I really am just…numb. “Is this a joke?”
Landon’s edge of laughter is gone. Now his face is masked in something that looks like worry. “Look. I know this is crazy, or too soon, or something. And you’re probably freaking out right now. But will you at least consider it?”
“Um...” My brain is spinning. It’s like we’re talking about things that belong in movies, and now ditching our first year of college for sailing. I’m in someone else’s life. Not my own.
His lips brush against my forehead as he continues speaking. “If you can’t do it now, I’ll wait until you can. I can’t imagine doing it without you. You’ve become my best friend, and the girl I love all in one. If you couldn’t come, you’d be…missing.” He sucks in a breath. “And, I can use scare tactics if I want to. I bet shadows couldn’t follow us out there… I mean, it could be a break from a lot of different things. Just not me.” His smile is wide again.
“Wow.” I stop, and my heart is soaring with the idea of being connected to the water like that for months. Months.
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out for a minute.
“Yeah. I’ll consider.” How could I not? But even as I speak it, I wonder if I can. I wonder if I could drop everything the way I suddenly want to. If I can let my mom down. I would have never even dreamed up this opportunity. Surely Mom could understand that.
He kisses me softly at first, but those soft kisses make me want more from him, and I push my body against his. Besides, after spending time fighting and not talking, I really need this.
“You’re so going to say yes. I know it.” I can feel him smiling.
My heart sinks a little. What will Mom think? What do I think? Aside from elation at something that feels completely fun and irresponsible. “This is a lot, Landon.” I let my fingers slide down from his shoulder to take his hand. We slowly start walking again. I can just make out the light from my porch through the trees.
“I know, and I thought it would scare the crap out of me, but it’s you, so it doesn’t. Does that make sense?”
“Perfect sense.” Is this really where we are? Feeling so much?
We stop on my porch.
“Goodnight, Micah.” His lips kiss from under my ear to my mouth.
“Aren’t you afraid to walk home alone?” I tease. I’ve been outside with the moving shadow before, he hasn’t. Or, at least hasn’t known about it. Again, if it’s actually real.
“I don’t plan on walking, and I don’t care if you tease me about it later.” He leans forward and gives me another kiss. “See you soon.”
“See you soon.” My lips leave his way too soon, and just like he promised, he breaks into a run as soon as I step inside, leaving me, once again, with way too much to think about.
TWENTY-SIX
I lie on my bed in the dark and stare out the window. I can barely see through the branches of the bush, but I can a little. Part me wishes I felt like I could sit outside in the woods, or down on the Michaels’ boat, just so I could think better. It’s not even the thought of the moving shadows that keep me inside. It’s more Landon’s reaction to them. I’ve chased whatever it is out there watching me. But when Landon not only believed me, but also took me seriously, it changed things. Maybe he’s being pulled in by our school project, too, and thinks the shadows are coming to take me.
Then I laugh because I realize part of me would rather go sit alone in the woods than have another meeting with Landon’s dad in his library. Seriously, my brain must be out of whack.
I told Landon I’d go sailing, or that I’d at least consider it. Does he mean it? Does he know what he’s asking? Am I really giving up what Mom wants for me?
I think I am.
The darkness is dense, and I relax into the idea while watching for movement. Nothing.
I imagine what it would be like to be on a boat, for months. The salt-water smell with warmth, heat from the sun. For day after day, to learn about sails, and lines and then the real stuff—navigation, boat systems. There’s a lot to know, but I know he’s done it all before.
I imagine it with Landon.
The realization of the peace I would have being alone with only him hits me hard. My whole life, I’ve pulled away from people, tucked my arms into my sides as I walked. Done everything I could think of to disappear. But if it’s just the two of us? For the first time I’d be able to relax. That same thought brings a life-changing realization.
I trust Landon.
I trust Landon enough to do this with him. Enough to take a vacation from what I see and only live with what I see from him. Just the thought makes me feel lighter, like a huge weight’s been lifted from me—off my shoulders, off my chest, off my body.
But should trust happen this fast? I’m not sure.
We’ve been through a mess and come out the other side. We survived being very different people, me not telling him about Lacey, his drunken rant, and my slap…
The adventure seems like such a spoiled thing to wish for, but how can I not when it’s so close to being within my grasp?
Most importantly. How am I going to tell my mother?
***
The passenger’s seat of Mom’s van suddenly feels suffocating. I roll down my window, even though it’s raining again because I need to breathe. My fingernails are worn from being chewed. No more shadows have been seen and I keep checking Mom for that bright white and black vision, but it hasn’t come back. Could I really be back to “normal”?
Now we’re headed out to dinner with Ethan and Steven. And the only thing that matters is how am I supposed to start a conversation that begins with me telling Mom I want to sail, and will probably end with—
“Okay, Micah? You’ve been distracted for days. What’s going on?” Mom’s voice pulls me out of my daydream.
Guess this is how I start the conversation I’m terrified to have.
“Micah?”
“I’m thinking of waiting a year to go to school.” I hold in my breath, as if it will brace me from whatever Mom’s going to say.
“What?” Her knuckles are white on the steering wheel. “No.”
Her words shock me and immediately put me on the defensive. She didn’t even ask for an explanation, and I can’t remember the last time Mom had to tell me no about something.
“I’ve put a lot of thought into it, Mom.”
“Into what? Screwing around when you should be going to school?”
Screwing around? Now I’m offended. “Mom—”
“No way, Micah. This is not negotiable.” Her voice is hard, flat.
“Well, I’m eighteen, and we both know you can’t stop me.” Wow. I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth. What’s gotten into me?
“Micah. Don’t.” Mom’s teeth clamp together.
She’s reacting even worse than I expected
, and I’m still in shock over what I’ve said. “Aren’t you going to let me explain?”
“It doesn’t matter!” she snaps. I can’t remember ever hearing Mom yell like that before.
“I have the opportunity to spend a year, as much time as I want, sailing.” I don’t have to close my eyes to see the blue water and small deserted islands.
“Of course, with Landon. The boy you probably think you’re in love with.” Her voice is hard. “And to think I was worried about your lack of relationships,” she mumbles.
“I am in love, Mom.” Wow. Am I?
“You have no idea what love is, Micah.” Her eyes are dark as they meet mine.
“And you do?” I shift sideways in my seat to see her better. “I mean, I’m sorry, Mom, but Ethan is the first person you’ve felt anything real for. Ever!”
“Wow! So now the teenage know-it-all comes out.” Her jaw is set.
I knew I’d get the teenage stuff sooner or later. At least she’s not yelling anymore.
“Mom, this isn’t high school stuff or teenage stuff or whatever. It’s life. It’s what I want to do.” I want it. I need it. The break from unwanted visions, just Landon and I alone. It’s a vacation from something I’ve never been able to take a vacation from. It’s exploring a part of the world most people never get to see. I feel more desperate to go all the time.
“No, Micah. I’ve worked too hard. No.” She puts the car in park and I whirl out of my seat and out of the car, slamming the door behind me. We’re at the small pub. I force out a hard breath and do my best to unclench my fists.
“Problems?” Steven smiles. For the first time I can see the resemblance between him and his cousin. They have the same smile. There’s a small amount of comfort from that.
“Something like that.” I cross my arms.
“How are things?” he asks more quietly as Mom steps inside and sits next to Ethan, still scowling.
“Fine until a few minutes ago.” I sigh.
“You lied, you know.”
“What?” My head snaps up.
“When I asked if you liked my cousin.” His mouth pulls into a smirk. It’s okay.