Knee Deep Read online

  “Mindy!” I wave over the students in the hallway.

  Her dress is shaped just like mine, small straps, high waist. Hers is the length of a tunic only she’s wearing nothing under it, and she has on the most delicious green wedge sandals I’ve ever seen. Heels. I let out a wistful sigh.

  “Ronnie!” Her petite form runs up the hall toward me, despite her tall shoes, and we grab each other in a rib-crushing hug.

  “See?” Shawn points down. “They make your hippie dresses short.”

  Mindy rolls her eyes, and her gaze rests right back on me. “Is he still on about that?”

  “Apparently.” I let out a breath of disgust, pretending to be annoyed.

  “Well, we’re going to have to ditch these boys so we can catch up.” Her bright blue eyes shine and her grin is mischievous.

  “Agreed.”

  And before I can form a protest, she’s dragging me through the halls and away from Shawn. He’s frowning behind me, but Mindy’s excitement is contagious, so I just smile in return.

  ***

  The excitement of our first day back at school is sort of wearing off with our first night of homework. My pack is heavy, and Shawn’s doesn’t look all that much lighter.

  “You ditched me today.” Shawn’s voice is all pouty. As if maybe, I somehow misunderstood the body language he’s used since walking out of school. Not looking at me, not squeezing my hand…

  “What are you talking about?” I watch my toes peek out from under my dress, something I never get tired of seeing.

  “Running off with Mindy, and then talking to the drama coach at lunch. I mean, we’re dating. We should actually look like we’re together.”

  I hate it when he’s sulky like this. “I haven’t seen Mindy all summer.”

  “Well, I have to work this afternoon. You two could have caught up then.” His voice is clipped and short.

  “She is coming over this afternoon.” I smirk to try and show that we’re not in an argument, but half of me feels like we are. “Boys just don’t understand how much time it takes girls to catch up.” But Shawn’s whole body is as tense as it was this morning.

  “You two share more than half your classes. I mean, you guys sat down at the end of last year to plan your schedules.” I can feel him looking at me, but continue to watch my toes peeking out from under my dress.

  “And you were in the same room, and could have joined in.” I keep my voice relaxed. There’s no reason for him to be upset—it’s a balance between saying what I really want to say, and keeping the peace until he can think about it or calm down.

  “It just sometimes seems like…never mind.” He shakes his head.

  I hate never mind. It’s like—oh yeah, that thing I wanted to say? You’re just not important enough for me to actually say it. “What does ‘never mind’ mean?” I ask. “If you want to say something just say it!”

  “It’s not a big deal, Ronnie.” We stop at the end of my driveway, finally making eye contact, only I have no idea what I should be doing to change the way he’s looking at me.

  Fine. Now it’s my turn to be irritated. “You coming in?” And it makes me crazy having stuff left hanging in the air, but at the same time I don’t think we’ll get anywhere right now.

  My need for us to be okay probably has more to do with my dad being a shrink than anything else, but still. It should make anyone crazy. And I’m worried about him. Today is a perfect example of how weird he’s been. The smallest things set him off, and that’s not like Shawn. Something’s going on. Probably we won’t actually get this sorted out until he decides to tell me what it is. The problem is…I’m still not sure how to ask.

  “Gotta work, remember?” He’s trying to make his voice sound normal, even though it really doesn’t. This is what he does when he doesn’t want to talk.

  “You know I hate separating like this.” I push my lip out into a frown.

  “We’ll talk later. If I have time.” He kisses my cheek and walks away. “Dad and I have sound systems to sell and radios to install.”

  My chest drops. “No, wait. Shawn! After last night you and I both know if you walk away I’m going to have to find a way to sneak over tonight and…”

  “And that’s a bad thing?” A corner of his mouth pulls up as he looks at me over his shoulder.

  How do I answer? I can’t say it’s a bad thing for us to have some quiet time together late at night.

  I step forward and close the distance between us. “If you want me there, you can just ask.” I hate games. I’m close enough that I know my breath hits his face, but when he tries to kiss me I pull back, smiling, waiting for him to say what I want him to.

  “Okay. Fine. Come over tonight?” he asks. “Please ?” He leans over me as his hands tighten around my back, keeping me close.

  “I’d love to.” I part my lips, starting a kiss that leaves me delightfully light-headed.

  “See you tonight,” he whispers, softly kissing my cheek.

  It’s these little things that make me remember how Shawn just feels good. And how good we are together. For the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to sneaking out.

  ***

  I WAS THIRTEEN…

  …and Shawn’s face held bad news.

  “You’re moving?” My heart dropped.

  “Yeah. Dad’s hoping it’s temporary.” He let out a sigh.

  “And you promise to write?” I asked, with the last bit of air in my lungs.

  “Of course I will.”

  “Pinky swear?” I held my pinky out for him to take.

  He did. And then he kissed me again.

  Shawn and I wrote to each other all year long. I got a letter a week and I savored each one. I read and re-read them with my girlfriends picking apart each and every one of his thirteen-year-old words. I used to sleep with his most recent letter next to my bed, under my pillow, or clutched in my hand as if that piece of paper would somehow hold us together. But we didn’t need the piece of paper. We were in love.

  ***

  Mindy and I sit by the pool in my backyard. There’s no way to really catch up during the twenty-five minutes the school thinks we can eat our lunch in.

  “So, what’s your thing this year?” she asks, pulling out our notebook.

  I smile. Every year since we were eleven, Mindy and I have planned to try something new. Last year was yoga, and it didn’t happen ‘til our year was almost up. It didn’t catch on with me, but now she’s hooked and does all these weird twists while standing on her head in my backyard. And although it’s totally impressive, it’s just not me.

  “I’m going to try out for theater,” I say.

  “You said that last year but ended up doing yoga with me instead.” She chews on the end of her purple pen and opens the notebook on her lap.

  “Shawn moved back over Christmas, so it kind of got pushed aside…”

  “Yeah, yeah.” She rolls her eyes. “For bigger and better things.”

  “Exactly.” Because finally getting the guy I spent my whole youth pining for was definitely huge.

  “I think the play is Romeo and Juliet,” she says.

  “It wouldn’t matter what it is. I’m determined. Besides, all I have to do is try out.” I reach out my hand and she sets the book in my palm.

  I write:

  Senior year—

  Ronnie will try out for the play—other firsts to be documented as they happen.

  Mindy will…

  We write this every year, and every year we keep random stuff in here.

  First kisses. First feel-ups. First school skips…everything that’s important.

  “True.” She leans back. “You just have to try out. Wanna know what my thing is?”

  “You’re taking a mechanic class fifth period. Is that it?” It seems a little tame for her, but I’ll go with it.

  “Well, that was going to be it, and it still might be.” Her face doesn’t turn toward me, but I can see a smile spreading.
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  “What’s up?”

  “Well, Luke is single again and…” Now her eyes are on me, gleaming but wary.

  “And, what?” My chest tightens up in suspicion. Not good. Why am I suspicious?

  “I’ve kind of had this crush on him.” She’s pressing her lips together. “You know, like everyone with a pulse does, and I wanted to talk to you first, so…”

  My heart sinks at the thought of it. “It would be weird.” Ugh. I can’t imagine them walking together, or kissing, or…anything but the way we’re all friends now. I have to force my body not to shudder at the thought.

  “Why? You and Shawn are together and we all hang out as friends.” Her brows wrinkle up.

  “Luke goes through girls pretty fast, you know.” Maybe a warning will stop this train of thought.

  “Yeah, and I know you two are like, really good friends, so I don’t want there to be weirdness, but I’ve been sort of friends with him too, you know?” Mindy’s fiddling with the rings on her fingers, a sure sign she’s nervous.

  “Well, you know—whatever.” I shrug, even though part of me wants to scream. That’s crazy. But what if things didn’t work out? And they’re both my good friends—yeah, too weird for me.

  “Well, I have backup if Luke’s not interested.” She leans back in her chair.

  I’m appeased. It doesn’t sound like she’s after any more than Luke’s always after—something easy and fun. “Who’s backup?”

  “Paul.”

  “Paul? Paul, who?” We don’t know any Paul.

  “Paul Mitchells?” Her arms are now relaxed at her sides, all traces of nervousness gone.

  “He’s kind of a dorky little thing, isn’t he?” I ask.

  She rolls her eyes. “Have you seen him this year?”

  “Uh, no. Today was our first day and I spent almost the whole day with you.” I bump her with my elbow.

  “Well he spent the summer at some wrestling camp.” She sits up and leans forward.

  “Ewww, no wrestlers.” I shake my head. “Tiny, tight spandex uniforms and sweating and grunting. They come to school and eat plain chicken breasts. It’s gross.”

  “Whatever, Ronnie.” She laughs. “I ran into him in San Diego this summer. Anyway—I know he’d date me if the whole Luke thing doesn’t pan out.”

  “So he’s the new thing this year? I don’t think boys count.” I shake my head. First experiences maybe, but not dating.

  “But I’ve always had an aversion to wrestlers. And I’ve always been afraid of Luke ‘cause he’s so hot. Anyway, if boys don’t count, even though they have a specialty …” she widens her eyes. “My mechanic class counts. I’m gonna learn how to fix Peter Rabbit so he stops costing me so much.” Peter Rabbit is her beloved VW…Rabbit, of course.

  “And is Paul in this class?” I ask.

  “Yes he is!” She grins so wide I can see her molars.

  “Good luck with that…” I finish writing her goal, aside from the Luke part.

  Mindy will date a wrestler (even though…eww) and learn to fix Peter.

  “I don’t need luck. He can’t stop staring at my legs.” She smirks, leans further into her lounge chair, and takes a long drink of Pepsi.

  “I couldn’t stop staring at your legs.” I point at her with the end of my pen.

  “Oh! That reminds me.” She sits back up. “I know you would have called or told me or something, but you and Shawn haven’t…” She’s shaking her head with narrowed eyes.

  “No.” A pang hits my chest. Some of my life would be a lot easier if we had, but I know other parts of my life would get infinitely more complicated. It’s just one of those things that continues to make me feel…awkward.

  “I get it. No worries. After last year, I’m in no hurry.” She lets out a long breath.

  Last year she got pregnant—the whole situation sucked, from the guy bailing to her going in for a doctor’s appointment. And then her body aborted on its own, but it was enough to scare the crap out of both of us. And then the ending, even with the relief it brought, sort of sucked too.

  “Well Shawn’s ready. I’m just—I don’t know why it still feels like a lot, but it does.” It feels huge—like a stamp on my forehead, or a mountain I need to climb, only it happens while naked and it’s just way too much to deal with.

  “So, that’s it. End of story.” She lies back down.

  Right. End of story. Only it’s not the end of the story because Shawn’s not going to let it go. I don’t blame him or anything, but the added pressure doesn’t help, it just makes me feel silly, stupid, immature…the list goes on. And now with him acting off, it makes it even harder. The problem is that I have no idea what to do about any of it.

  ~ 3 ~

  When I step outside for school Luke’s walking up the street with Mindy’s petite form under his arm. My chest caves in. It all feels so wrong. I can’t stop staring as I stand just inside the shadow of my porch. This shouldn’t matter. They’re both my friends, they’re both awesome people and, really, they’re totally suited to each other. But my chest is all heavy and I don’t even want to attempt to take a full breath.

  “Hey!” Mindy waves, but doesn’t move from where she’s cradled against Luke.

  This is so…horrible, but what does it say about me that I don’t want this for my two good friends? Why is it so weird? It just is.

  “What’s with you?” Luke asks.

  “Sorry.” I shift my pack up on my shoulder as Luke takes me under his other arm.

  “You don’t normally slum with us walkers,” I say to Mindy, trying to keep the teasing tone in my voice.

  “I saw Luke as he stepped out of his house and thought I’d walk with you guys today.” I have no idea what her face looks like because I can’t bring myself to look at her. There’s something seriously wrong with me if I can’t be happy for my friend liking my other friend.

  “Oh.” And now is when I should smile at her in encouragement or something, but I can’t bring myself to do it. My heart’s pounding all hard and it’s just…wrong.

  “You’re too late!” Luke calls out ahead of us. “They’re both mine!”

  “Very funny.” Shawn doesn’t even crack a smile. Dark circles rim his eyes and even his tanned face looks pale.

  I step away from Luke and into Shawn. I don’t pause until my arms are around him. His body is hard, tense—like I can’t get a good hold on him. “You okay?” I whisper.

  “Better if Luke would keep his hands off you,” he whispers back.

  “It’s just Luke.” My hands rub his shoulders a few times, and his body slowly relaxes. “What’s going on?” I lean my forehead against his.

  “Got in a fight with my dad last night, and then couldn’t sleep.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You should have called.”

  “It was too late.”

  “Okay.” I kiss his cheek. Now I’m thinking about what Luke said about Shawn’s dad being stressed. There’s a weight of worry settling over Shawn. Maybe something bad is happening. Maybe he has good reason to be so tense. Not that I think he’d be tense just for fun. I wish he’d just tell me what’s going on with him.

  “Let’s go.” His voice sounds normal.

  Does this mean he’s okay?

  His fingers slide through mine, and we step in behind Luke and Mindy who are, fortunately, no longer touching.

  ***

  “So, what’s up with you and Luke?” I ask, as soon as we’re sitting in art class without the boys. It’s like I have to know, but I don’t want to know. I don’t think. Unless they’re not together, and then I do want to know.

  “Operation Paul goes into full effect today.” She smiles. “And I’m in the right dress for it.” She straightens a nearly bare leg in front of her. I wonder if it was Operation Luke first?

  “What happened?”

  She shrugs. “Luke’s distracted, has a lot going on. I asked if he’d want to go out sometime and we talked while we walked to yo
ur house, and he said that, yeah, he just has too much going on right now. I’m cool, he’s cool, and it’s all fine.”

  “Just like that?” I’m doing everything I can think of to not sound grateful that things turned out the way they did. It’s fine. They won’t be together. I need to relax about the whole thing because it shouldn’t matter.

  She laughs. “If you keep sounding so relieved I’ll start to think you have a thing for him.”

  “Luke?” I laugh. “No way. Especially not with…”

  “Shawn.” Her eyes widen. “We all know it’s Shawn and Ronnie forever.” She giggles.

  “Whatever.” But I smile, knowing it’s true. Or that we want it to be. There’s something incredible about being loved by someone I’ve known for so long. Like he knows me, loves me, and yeah, it’s this thing I can count on. Solid. Stable. The weird way he’s been creeps in but I shake it off. It’s temporary, and going through rough times is all part of being in love with someone.

  ***

  Mindy, and her now almost-boyfriend, Paul, are sharing the lounge chair next to mine. She works fast. Or, her legs do. Operation Paul only went into effect a few days ago, though Mindy’s probably the coolest girl he’s ever had his hands on. She’s right on one count—he broadened a lot.

  They lie next to one another, not touching, just lounging, eyes closed, in the sun, listening to my dad’s music.

  It makes me realize that Shawn is always touching me. Always. I’m on my own chair, and he’s on the concrete patio with his hand wrapped around my calf. Is this a good thing? A possessive thing? A ‘no big deal’ thing? Am I suddenly just crazy?

  Luke stands over the barbeque next to Dad. He always helps with cooking on the grill. This is one of a million afternoons with friends—warm, peaceful, relaxing.

  Mom and Dad’s song comes on, something old by Jack Johnson. I catch Mom out of the corner of my eye as she smiles at Dad’s back, turns up the music and heads in his direction. I get my red hair from Mom, but my height from Dad. Both my older brother Ben and I, look like Dad with Mom’s pale, freckly skin and red hair. Dad’s nearly all grey now, but stands at a broad six feet.

  His body turns as the music changes. They meet next to the pool and start dancing. They’ve done this since I was little.