Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) Read online

  “I saw him, Leigh.” He stared.

  My heart dropped to the floor.

  “I was mad that he didn’t want me to do what I felt was a really good thing because the church said I should something similar, but in a different way, like serving a mission. And then for him to be so blatantly doing something that anyone would find despicable… That was the end of it.”

  He took another sip of his drink. “And you know, when you do something dramatic like that—just walking out—it seems like a rather huge gesture to get back in touch. I still don’t know that I really care to.” His mannerisms were far too casual for the conversation. He relaxed back in his chair and took another drink of his coffee. He either really didn’t care, or he was a good actor. I didn’t know him well enough to tell the difference.

  My body turned numb from shock. My fingers felt funny. I didn’t know what to say or if my legs would work. I didn’t know if I was glad I’d come or not. I’d been worried simply that Joseph wouldn’t want to see me. I hadn’t realized how much he’d been holding on to. How much I suddenly had to think about.

  “I left the next day. I got a job, worked for a while and then joined the Peace Corps. I spent a few years in Bolivia and then ended up here.” He took another drink.

  I couldn’t move.

  “Still glad you came?” He looked at me wryly.

  “I’m glad you didn’t send me away.” That was at least the truth. I took a sip of my drink just to have something to do. I didn’t feel or taste anything.

  “I wouldn’t send you away, Leigh.” He smiled at me then. “I still can’t believe how grown up you are.” His smile felt real for the first time.

  I breathed. “That happens in ten years.”

  “I guess it does.” He started to play with the cup in his hands, turning it to the side. “So, that must be Brian with you.”

  I nodded.

  “He’s a bit older?”

  A smile spread as I talked about Brian. “Yeah, older than Jaron, which is odd I guess, but he’s really, really good for me.”

  “Good.” He set his cup back on the table. “And he has a son.”

  “You’ve been reading my letters.”

  “I have.” He took another sip.

  I took an easy breath in this time. Our conversation felt like it was turning to normal, more comfortable, topics. “He has a son named Nathan. He’s with Mom and Dad right now.”

  “Because you two just got married.”

  “Yep.” I’d think about Mom and Dad and the mess later. “Lori is beautiful, and your two kids…”

  “Yeah. I look around once in a while and I’m like, ‘where did all this come from?’ but it’s good. I love her a lot. She’s a great girl. She’s an incredibly talented designer.” I could see the love and respect in his face.

  “The clothes are hers,” I said in realization.

  “Yep. She’s done designs for some pretty impressive people. She also does work for local spoiled kids. She runs the shop for fun. The twins just hang out with her there all day. It also gives her a place to meet her clients. Having the traffic in our house didn’t work.”

  “Cool.” I hoped that Lori and I would become friends—that Joseph and I could continue to talk. I’d hated our family split the way it had been.

  “How are you? I mean, health wise?” His eyebrows pulled together the same way Jaron’s did when he asked about how I was feeling.

  “Perfect.”

  “Good.” He nodded. “It was scary reading your letters about being sick like that.”

  “Well, it was scary being sick like that,” I smiled. “No one wants to have cancer.” That seemed obvious enough.

  “Right.” He stood up. “Ready to head back?” It was like he suddenly realized how personal our conversation had gotten and was ready to be done.

  I stood up with him. “I guess.” We started back to Lori’s shop. “Thank you, Joseph.”

  “For what?” He looked down at me. “I’d guess I gave you a lot more to think about than you wanted to know.”

  I nodded in agreement. “I’ll deal with that later.” I still wasn’t comfortable with him the way I wanted to be, but I felt like we could be. “Thanks for talking with me. I’m glad I came.”

  We walked back in silence. My brain ran over and over our conversation. He was right. He’d given me a lot to think about.

  When we stepped back into Lori’s shop, Brian had Jack in his arms, and they smiled at one another. And that was something I’d never be able to give Brian. The cancer had taken the ability to have kids from me, and the beautiful thing about it was that Brian didn’t mind at all. We had Nathan, and when we were ready, we’d adopt another. The list of wonderful things about my new husband was long.

  “There you two are.” Lori stepped up and pecked Joe on the cheek.

  “Well, I think Brian and I are going to head for home,” I said. There wasn’t anything more to be said or done between Joseph and me right then. Hopefully I’d opened a door.

  “I’m so glad you came, Leigh,” Lori said. “Oh, Brian showed me your website. You’re very talented. I loved that black Victorian dress you designed.” It was Brian’s idea to do a photo showcase of some of my “talent,” as he put it. Things I’d sewn over the past year.

  My little online shop had kept me in spending money all summer, thanks to Brian’s computer skills. Well, and my sewing skills.

  “Thank you very much.” I looked around her shop. “So are you.”

  “Thanks.” She came and gave me a hug. “Don’t be a stranger okay? Brian knows how to reach us.”

  “Okay.” I glanced back at Joseph. “Thanks.”

  He stepped toward me and gave me an awkward hug, sort of patting me on the back. I put my arms around him and pulled him close. He was family.

  “Well, you two drive safe.” Joseph let go and stepped back.

  Brian shook his hand. “Thank you.”

  And we stepped back out into the rain.

  We walked up the street without speaking. The rain had slowed only a little. Brian opened my car door, and then climbed in the other side. “Do you want to drive to Seattle tonight or wait until tomorrow?”

  “I want to go home. Back to Salt Lake.” It was the only place I wanted to be.

  “Home?” Brian turned toward me, surprised.

  “Yeah,” I found my smile then. “I want to be in our home together for a few days. Maybe we could hide your car down the street so no one knows we’re there and we can just be there, doing whatever it is we want to do together…”

  “You’re making that sound really, really nice.” He reached over and squeezed my hand. “Do you want to stay somewhere? Or do you want me to just drive us straight through?”

  “Can you do that?” I asked, worried about his sleep.

  “I can do that.”

  “Okay.” We sat in silence for what felt like an hour as Brian drove. I stared out the window processing the information Joseph had given me. Why had he said anything? He didn’t have to. Maybe he felt bad for being gone for most of my life, maybe he was trying to show it wasn’t his fault not realizing that I wasn’t blaming anyone. I just wanted a relationship with my brother.

  “You look thoughtful,” Brian finally said. “What’s going on?”

  “Just thinking about what Joseph and I were talking about.”

  “And what was that?” he asked. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” he added quickly.

  “He wanted to join the Peace Corps instead of going on a mission. My dad didn’t approve. The church says you go on a mission you know? So there’s that and my dad had an affair.” It hit me again. Not just for him but my mom. How could he do that to Mom? “I’ve always looked up to their relationship. And now… I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?”

  “Your parents survived it. You see how they look at one another, even after thirty years. You should look up to them. Everyone makes mistakes, Leigh.”

 
; “I hadn’t looked at it that way.” I leaned across the middle of the car to rest my head on Brian’s shoulder.

  “Just because they had one rough spot doesn’t mean that the rest of it wasn’t great. If they stayed together through that…” Brian shrugged. “It was a long time ago, Leigh.”

  “No, I know. It just caught me off guard. I always wanted a relationship like theirs and now I don’t.”

  “That’s good. I want a relationship like ours.” Brian kissed the top of my head.

  “Me too.” I felt lighter, just having Brian’s perspective paired with my own.

  “Are you okay?” He asked after a moment.

  “Yeah. I’m okay. I’m glad we went. Thank you. I know it’s felt like nothing but driving.” I didn’t want to be driving any more but I also didn’t want to stay a night in a cheap hotel somewhere. I wanted to be at home. At our home.

  “A little, but I’m with you, so its okay.”

  I rested my hand on his leg, leaned deeper against his shoulder and closed my eyes.

  THREE

  I woke up thirsty. Brian still slept, in our bed, in our room. I smiled as I felt the warmth and happiness spread through my chest again. I carefully reached over him to grab the glass of water and saw his sketchbook. I was sure it hadn’t been there last night. Was I allowed to just open it? Now that we were married? My curiosity got the best of me, and I carefully lifted it off the table.

  I pulled the sheets up over my chest and leaned against the wall. I opened the book and the first picture I saw was of me, in my wedding dress. I stood tall underneath one of the large trees next to the St. George Temple. I’d remembered posing for this photograph.

  When I turned the page there was another sketch from our wedding; me standing by the pool in my knee length dress and heels. I couldn’t believe that day was only a few days ago. It already felt like a lifetime away.

  “What are you doing?” Brian’s amused voice made me jump.

  “Just looking.” My chest caved. I closed the book. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Go ahead.” He rolled onto his back, resting his hands behind his head.

  “When did you do these?”

  “As crazy as it sounds, I’ve had these pictures in my head since our wedding day, and I decided they needed to be on paper.”

  “I’ve never watched you draw anything before,” I realized.

  “Oh.”

  “I’d like to watch you sometime.” I tried to read his reaction.

  “Lie down.” He started to sit up.

  “What? Right now?”

  “Lie down.” He smiled his perfect crooked Brian smile. “On your stomach. Rest your head on the pillow.”

  I set his book down and did what I was told. He leaned over and kissed my cheek.

  “Are you trying to distract me from my request?” I asked.

  “No, you’re distracting me from your request.” He picked up his sketchbook and sat back, tilting the page slightly so I could watch. His hand seemed to move without any conscious thought.

  I watched in amazement as my form began to take shape. First the rumpled sheets and then the curve of my shoulder, my hair, my stomach as it touched our bed and last my face, my eyes… It was fascinating. Seeing the whole process felt like magic.

  “Wow.” I breathed out as he neared completion. I broke his concentration and he stopped to look at me.

  “I know. You’re beautiful.” Before I had time to protest he leaned over toward me and reached his arm around my side, sketching forgotten.

  - - -

  “I can’t believe our week is over.” I frowned as I climbed in the car.

  “Me, either.” He leaned over to kiss my cheek.

  I caught him on the mouth instead, which prompted him to kiss me again.

  “Have I said how much I’m loving being married to you?” He pulled away and started up the road.

  “A few times.” I stretched my hand out to touch him on the cheek.

  “I’ve realized it’s been way too long since Nathan’s seen his mom. Since we’re already going to be in St. George, I thought a quick visit would be in order.”

  “Okay.” I nodded. Brian’s ex-wife, Nathan’s mom, was in jail in Las Vegas and would be for a long while. Probably until Nathan was around 20 or so. Nathan had started to hate to go, but Brian insisted he keep up some kind of relationship with her.

  She’d gotten involved with some bad people and had smuggled some kind of drugs over the border. I got the impression it was illegal prescription stuff, but I honestly didn’t want to know. I’d never met her, and wasn’t likely to.

  “I’m sorry we weren’t able to take him with us.” Brian watched me. “To the temple, I mean.”

  “I knew what you meant. It’s okay. It might still happen, we’ll see.” I shrugged to show Brian I was okay with it, but I’d by lying if I said I didn’t think about it often. It felt heartbreaking to have his dad that way and not him.

  Brian had begun the process to gain full custody before Amanda was arrested. The neglect Nathan suffered at her hands was nearly incom-prehensible. But since Nathan was then with his dad full time, it seemed silly to press the issue further.

  What we didn’t realize was that it meant Nathan wouldn’t be going to the temple with us. I had to adopt Nathan, which meant his mother would have to either sign him over, or Brian would continue along the track of getting her parental rights taken away. We weren’t sure still what the church would have to say about either scenario.

  “I can’t imagine that she has a leg to stand on,” Brian continued. “I was hoping to talk to your dad about it today. We were only a step away from stripping her parental rights when she was arrested. The court doesn’t look favorably on someone leaving their kid home alone for days at a time. Repeatedly. Not a five year old, anyway. Now that she’s incarcerated… I can’t imagine it’ll be hard.”

  “Brian, I don’t like the idea of forcing it. It feels like stealing, like kicking someone when they’re down. I wouldn’t feel good about going to the temple that way. I figured since the beginning we’d have to convince her to sign a few things.”

  Brian’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “She won’t do it.”

  “You never know, let’s see what my dad has to say, maybe it won’t be as hard as we’re thinking.” No matter what, it was likely to be a big drawn out mess that we were going to have to spend some time on our knees over.

  - - -

  After going all the way to Portland from Salt

  Lake, the four hours to St. George was nothing. I climbed out of the car and stretched. I felt a pain go through my left side and I breathed out hard, rubbing my stomach.

  “Okay?” Brian asked.

  “Yeah, just sitting too long.” And then I smiled at him and put my hands on his waist. “That and there might be a few things my body isn’t used to doing…”

  He pulled me into him and held me for a moment. “Please behave yourself at your parent’s house, it’s embarrassing.”

  “Afraid they’ll think you’re a bad influence?” I teased.

  “No.” He shook his head. “Just that if I had a daughter, I probably wouldn’t want to think about her honeymoon.”

  “Daddy! Leigh!” Nathan came out of the house like a rocket to greet us.

  “Nathan!” I got down to his level to give him a proper hug. Once his arms were around me, my heart ached, realizing how much I’d missed him. He was his dad in miniature. Same brown hair, same deep eyes.

  “Are you two staying?” Mom asked as she walked out onto the drive.

  “Just one night, we have mutual tomorrow night,” I said.

  “We’re making the teens switch roles.” Brian laughed. It had been his idea. The boys were cooking and the girls were working on cars.

  “Did you two have a nice time?” She looked at me a little sideways. My cheeks heated up, completely embarrassed at what she might be implying.

  “Yes, Mom. We had a great t
ime. Thanks for keeping Nathan with you. I’m sure he had a blast.”

  “Well, he wore us old people out, that’s for sure.” She looked over at Brian. “Did you enjoy Seattle? I know how much Leigh misses it.”