Knee Deep Read online

  “Your mom will be late coming home from the library.” Dad’s voice brings me back into the room. Funny how he thinks he needs to explain her absence.

  “Oh.” I take another bite of stir-fry. The TV’s showing footage over the Yangtze River right now, and it all looks so brutal and amazing.

  “How’s school going?” I hear him take another bite.

  “If you want to ask me something, Dad, just ask. You know how I hate the lead-up.” I push out a sigh, so he knows how annoying it is.

  He mimics my sigh with a smile.

  “You’re the shrink.” And I hate dancing around whatever he actually wants to talk about.

  “Therapist.” He sets down his fork. “I was just wondering how Shawn’s parents are doing.”

  “What do you mean?” Only I know what he’s asking, and I suddenly feel naked. Will he know if I lie or play down the circumstances?

  Dad shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen his dad in a while, and his mom seems extra jumpy. We haven’t all gotten together for dinner in a long time.”

  “Ask Mom.” I turn back to the TV, but Dad’s still looking at me and I know him well enough to know he’s waiting for me to return his gaze. I’m too afraid he’ll see through me, he’ll know about the angry guy a few houses down, know his son’s struggle with me; he‘ll figure out that Shawn grabbed me, even though he didn’t mean to.

  “I have.” His words come out slow, and I know he’s watching me for some sign.

  “Shawn hasn’t said anything. I know he and his dad have been working long hours and…” And I promised I wouldn’t say anything.

  “Just curious, that’s all.” Dad leans back in his chair and takes another bite of dinner. His eyes are back on the program.

  Guess that’s it. Only Dad wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t thinking about something. I’m going to have to be careful about how I act around Dad. Well, and around Shawn, too. Oh, right. And after play practice, I might need to be careful around Luke. And Mindy doesn’t know anything about Shawn’s outburst either, so I need to keep quiet around her as well.

  Maybe I should just go into hiding for a while.

  ***

  WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN…

  …my brother, Ben, who irritated me to death, left for college. The house felt so empty. Dad always worked long hours, still does. Mom had just sold her first book and was obsessively at her computer day and night. It all just felt too still.

  I called Shawn. We didn’t talk often, but we talked sometimes. His phone rang and rang and I sat on my end looking forward to the smooth sound of his voice, even if I just got his voicemail. A girl answered, giggling hysterically, and I could hear him in the background laughing. “Seriously! Give it me to me! Hand me the phone!

  “Hello?” he answered out of breath.

  I sat silent on the other end. We’d never talked about seeing other people. We wrote, we talked, and I just assumed. I took dates to dances and went out with groups, but I didn’t have boys over in that way. Ever. Just Luke for our movie days.

  “Hello?” he asked again.

  “It’s me.” My heart thudded loud in my ears. What was I supposed to say?

  “Hey.” His voice had the same excited quality it always had.

  “I called to—”

  But I heard a rustle on his end, “ouch,” and then the phone dropped. “Stop! That’s the girl I’m in love with!” But he laughed so hard that I wouldn’t have believed him if I’d been sitting in the room with him. The line went dead and I nearly threw up on my comforter. My stomach folded into itself and I felt empty until he called the next day to apologize. It was a half-apology because we hadn’t talked about dating other people. And because we hadn’t talked, he was right. He really hadn’t done anything wrong.

  ***

  I barely recognize Shawn’s face set in a scowl that hangs somewhere in between irritation and anger. My stomach drops. What could have happened? Everything’s been so good.

  “I just need a few minutes, Ronnie.” Shawn’s fingers tighten on mine as he leads me through the student parking lot to his mom’s car.

  “I’m coming.” I try to keep my voice light, even though my fingers are starting to throb from the force he’s using. My pulse is loud in my ears, and the noises of students and cars fade into the background as I struggle to keep up without running.

  What do I do?

  This Shawn is one I don’t know. Maybe something more than I understand is going on in his family, like Dad said last night. After how sorry he was last time, I know he would never hurt me again—not on purpose. But what is this then? Because my fingers are really starting to hurt.

  He jerks open the passenger’s door and flexes his jaw, his lips pressed tight, as he waits for me to get in. I pause, instinct kicking in. Get in or run? No. No running. He may be angry, but this is still my Shawn.

  I sit down and have to grab two handfuls of dress before I get it in behind me—my hands shake too hard to move any faster.

  “You and your hippie dresses.” He sighs before he closes the door.

  Each step he takes around the car happens way faster than I want it to. I need time to slow down, so I can think about what needs to be said. There has to be something I can say or do to make whatever this is better.

  As soon as he opens his side I lean towards him, smiling. Diffuse, right? It’s all I can think of to do, even though part of me still wants to run. “What’s up? Looking for something before I head inside?” I hope he catches the double meaning in my words. It’s my last ditch effort for him to drop whatever has him so mad.

  Now that we’re in his car, it’s like he’s less scary. I have no idea why. Maybe because sitting in his mom’s car is so normal. Maybe he just needs to talk. Maybe he and his dad got in a fight last night or something, and he just couldn’t say anything about it in school.

  His eyes meet mine. I still can’t read him.

  I reach my hand out to touch his face, or his neck, to run my hand through his hair, but he catches my wrist, hard. I lose my breath, and my heart sprints. Maybe I should’ve run.

  “What’s going on?” My voice is shaking and I really, really don’t want my voice to shake.

  He squeezes harder. “Why don’t you ask Curtis?”

  “Who?” Curtis?

  “Some kid who says he might get a chance to kiss you because of drama.” He spits out the words and his jaw flexes in anger.

  My chest drops. I should have jerked away and headed back to the school, but what would that say about me? That I run away just because my boyfriend’s mad? “It’s probably a joke, Shawn. Luke and Liesl have to kiss because they’re playing opposite each other,” I explain. And now I remember who Curtis is; he’s the understudy for Luke. Okay. That’s good. I’m moving forward at least.

  His hand clenches harder. “And what happens if she doesn’t do it?”

  I’m shaking. My eyes scan the nearly empty lot, no help here. “Honestly, that’ll never happen, and even if it did, you were sorta right. They don’t really need me. They gave me kind of a nothing job.” I need to not cry. I blink over and over, anything to keep tears from flowing. I can’t believe this is my Shawn. The throbbing is more than just my wrist—it pulses through my heart, through my head, leaving black holes in everything I think and feel.

  “So why don’t you come hang with me?” he asks. His grip is finally loosening.

  “I’m expected today.” Mostly I need out of here and away from you. Just for right now. Guilt washes through me.

  I know that at any time some of this frustration he’s holding onto will disappear, and things will go back to normal. We had normal yesterday. We’ve had normal for a while, and I know from the last time that he’ll be okay tomorrow. More than okay, better than okay. We’ll be close again the way I love. I do my very best to push the guilt of needing to be away from Shawn as far down as I can.

  “Fine.” He lets go of me and sits back. “Go.” His eyes widen in exasperation
.

  “I don’t want to argue with you.” I frown. But I desperately want out of this car. I hate feeling like I have to get away from him. It sucks my chest dry and leaves it hollow.

  “Yeah…well…” He shrugs. “I’ll see you when you’re done. If I’m not working.” His eyes leave mine and stare out the windshield.

  I sit undecided. Run? Fix? “Kiss?” I ask. And I can’t believe I have it in me. But if I didn’t, then where would we be? Me and my Shawn?

  He stares at me for a moment before a corner of his mouth twitches in a smile. “If I must,” he teases. His warm lips touch mine but it doesn’t feel right. It’s not soft, or relaxing, or smooth, or any of the things I love about Shawn. He’s too tense still. Or maybe that’s me. My skin prickles from this touch of the forced and unfamiliar.

  I keep my eyes closed as I pull away, not even wanting to look at him right now.

  “See you.” I pull my dress behind me as I step out of the car, and jog across the parking lot holding back my tears.

  He was so sorry last time. People don’t do things again if they’re that sorry. What’s happening with him?

  Oh. I stop just before the school doors.

  My gut sinks. He texted me last night about his dad and him working late. I should have gone over last night, or talked with him about it today. Instead I did nothing. Maybe it’s part me. Not all me, because this isn’t okay, but I also know I need to be paying more attention to the guy I love.

  I turn around just in time to see him peel out of the school parking lot, and wonder if I just did the right thing in walking away. Maybe we both just need a few hours alone, and then we can talk, or something. I rub my wrist, knowing that this can’t happen again.

  I pull open the door and step into the cool theater. The familiar smell of paint and wooden sets hits my nose and transports me to a world where Shawn doesn’t exist. Sucks that I feel some relief from that. I want Shawn as someone who’s in all parts of my life.

  “Ronnie!” Mr. Blackman turns from his spot on center stage. “Glad you’re here!”

  I had no idea I’d be noticed as missing. “Here. Sorry I’m late.” I suck in a big breath to calm my nerves and continue walking towards the stage. Already, inside this building and away from Shawn—his temper, his grabbing, and the fear of him doesn’t seem real.

  “It’s okay. We have some interesting news.” He holds his notebook in front of his chest.

  “What’s that?” My thoughts are still swirling too fast for me to realize this might be a big deal.

  “Liesl had to back out. She’s missed some student government meetings, and had…well, she simply had too much going on. I assured her that you were up to the task.”

  I stop in my tracks halfway between the doors and the stage.

  “You are now officially Juliet.” He smiles wide anticipating some sort of exuberant reaction. “If you still want it.”

  “Wow.” But I’m not sure if it comes out loud enough to be heard.

  They clap for me as I step onto the stage. My heart’s frantic, but my smile starts to spread.

  “Guess you’re stuck workin’ with me.” Luke laughs.

  “Guess I am.” I reach out and punch his shoulder. My insides are still shaking from Shawn, and this just sort of adds to the conflicting chaos. But in a good way. I need good. I need happy.

  “So, are you up to it?” Mr. Blackman asks.

  I take in our teacher’s expectant face and then Luke’s.

  “You can so do this, Ronnie,” Luke whispers. His golden brown eyes stay focused on mine.

  I suck in a breath. “Yeah, I’m up to this.” My eyes drift back to our coach.

  “Perfect.” He stands back. “Let’s get started.”

  “What about their kiss?” someone asks.

  I wave my hand dismissively toward Luke. Cheerios t-shirt today. “We’ve already kissed and we hang out all the time, we’re cool.” But I suddenly can’t look at him. Will this be really weird and awkward? We hang out all the time. That, and I’m barely recovered from my time in the parking lot with Shawn. My insides still feel all shaky.

  “But can you make it real?” Blackman’s eyes go up as he takes his seat in the center.

  “Oh, I’m sure she can fake it.” Luke says.

  I don’t dare look at Luke, but I know he just winked because that’s exactly what Luke would do.

  “You two step up for your kiss, and then we’ll work on Act I.” Blackman sits.

  Where do I look? Do I touch him? How do I touch him? Am I Juliet now? Or, Ronnie?

  Luke stands in front of me. “Don’t look so panicked. This isn’t a big deal,” he whispers. “When we’re here, I’m Romeo and you’re Juliet, no one else. Also, we both die in the end. Every single time.” His dimples appear, as his smile spreads.

  I stand facing him and let out a few deep breaths. Its just Luke, the guy who’s easy and fun to be around. I can do this.

  Luke puts his hands up. Right. Golden brown eyes, smiling tanned face…Luke. We stand palm to palm—Romeo and Juliet. His eyes take in mine and the thing is, it’s my heart that’s beating wildly, and my eyes that are searching his. No one else is here. Nothing else is here.

  His lips come down to mine and this is definitely not like spin the bottle. This is all Luke and all me. Or all Romeo, and I have no idea if I’m Juliet or not, but it’s awesome. His lips are so soft, so careful, and my chest tightens in anticipation of whatever’s next. Our fingers slide together and I squeeze his hands and part my lips as we meet again.

  I’m melting—into him, into the floor, into myself.

  Catcalls from the cast make me drop my hands and step away. Melting gone. That was intense. I stare out at our drama coach just because I’m not sure where else I should look right now. My face is burning up, and my heart’s going crazy, this is way too many conflicting emotions for one day.

  “Nice.” Mr. Blackman’s brows are halfway to his hairline. “And here I thought it would be more awkward because you’re buddies. Glad to see that’s not the case.”

  I smile weakly, but there’s no way I’m looking at Luke again. Not right now. I spin around to take my place backstage. Fortunately we never make it to the scene where Luke and I have to kiss. One is enough for the night.

  My heart’s still squeezing tight over our kiss, this is acting. This is what my theater time is going to be about—Juliet, and her feelings. I need to embrace it instead of being afraid.

  I just might not talk to Shawn about this part of my role as Juliet.

  ***

  Both Mom and Dad are in the kitchen when Mindy and I walk in. It’s sort of rare for Mom, Dad and I to share the house aside from sleeping.

  “How was practice?” Mom asks.

  “I’m now the lead. Liesl moved.” I stop in the kitchen doorway, stunned again.

  “You’ll be opposite Luke.” Dad smiles as he pulls open the fridge.

  “Yeah.” That’s both the weird part and the part that makes it all feel okay.

  “She’s going to be so awesome!” Mindy bounces beside me.

  “Well, make sure you don’t neglect Shawn with all this excitement. It’s going to be really weird for him to know you’re kissing his best friend.” Mom’s brows go up.

  I swear Dad lets out a sigh as the fridge door closes.

  “Yeah.” I rock back on my heels. And Shawn and I haven’t talked about that part of it yet. “I know.”

  Mindy lets out a grunt of disgust. “It’ll be good for him.” Fortunately Mom doesn’t seem to notice. To Mom, Shawn is golden.

  The thing is—I was looking forward to ‘extra-sweet’ Shawn for a few days because of our afternoon. Now, I have to break the news that I’m the lead in the play.

  “Caramel popcorn tonight?” Mom asks.

  “For dinner ?” Dad and I say at the same time.

  “If we eat it with apples or bananas or something healthy, that works, right?” She has this little mischievous smile.
/>   Mindy’s giggles fill the kitchen.

  “No.” Dad shakes his head, then winks at me. “Not enough food for me.”

  “Me either.” I pull open the fridge door. “Grilled cheese?” I ask.

  “That would be awesome.” Dad kisses the top of my head. “Want help?”

  “I think I can manage. And…” I turn to Mindy. “I already have a helper.”

  “Party-poopers.” Mom frowns.

  Dad puts his arms around her and they wander into the living room. I bring my phone from my dress pocket and set it on the counter. Do I call Shawn? Should he call me? I twist my hand a few times to see how stiff I am. I kind of wish he’d grabbed the same one again. I know there’s a way for Shawn and I to work through this, I’m just not sure how. It’s so far outside anything I ever thought we’d deal with together that I don’t really know where to begin.

  “What’s with you?” Mindy asks, eyeing the sudden odd relationship between me and my phone.

  “Nothing.” I pull open the fridge to start dinner. I need to be busy before I let something slip. Mindy knows me too well to hide anything for long—not that I’ve ever tried. I’ve never had to.

  By the sound of her giggles Mindy’s texting Paul. I take the opportunity to pull the sleeve off my wrist as I dig into the back of the fridge for cheese. My bruise isn’t nearly as bad as last time. Him grabbing me like that was way over the line, but I know he had a bad night last night, and some kid was bragging about kissing me, so I could see how that would make someone mad. How mad would I be if things were the other way around?

  Mad enough to make bruises?

  Nope.

  My chest gains a new weight. What does this mean?

  ~ 9 ~

  My stomach turns over as I think about facing Shawn after our day. As I step over each line in the dimly-lit sidewalk, I’m another rung higher in my stress-ladder. How will he react to me being opposite Luke in the play? Will it be no big deal? Will the new bruise on my arm help him to not care?

  I step through the gate into the backyard at the same time Shawn closes the back door behind him.

  “Luke already called,” he whispers as our eyes catch. The small porch light keeps his face in shadow, so I’m not sure what to expect.